Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dear Ohio BMV:

Fuck you. Fuck you for wasting my time and money, as well as causing me undue stress and anxiety. I really should leave it at that, but since I'm in such a giving mood, please allow me to elaborate so that you may get your heads out of your asses and correct your policies pertaining to out-of-state drivers licenses.

1. The fact that I even had to take your written driving test whilst trying to obtain an Ohio drivers license is bullshit. When I moved from this Nazi state eight years ago and walked into another state's DMV, all I had to do to get their license was hand over my Ohio license and take a new picture. No test, no vision screening, nothing. They trusted that other states would not issue a licence to an un-fit driver. Apparently, you have trust issues.

2. Regardless, I went and took your damn written test. And passed. With flying colors. Despite the fact that I almost fainted waiting in your line-o-hell, surrounded by a hundred other people who either: a.)In the wrong line (because nothing was clearly marked), b.) Did not have the proper documentation with them, only to be sent home, retrieve said information, then return to the line-o-hell to wait another hour before being helped. I understand that you may believe that this is standard procedure for a BMV/DMV, but I wish to inform you that this is no longer the case. The last state I lived in has streamlined this process, and never have I, or anyone else I know, had to spend more than 20 minutes within their facility. There are staff members at the door to check documentation BEFORE the customers get in line, to prevent the aforementioned waiting in the line-o-hell un-needlessly. They also have clearly marked waiting areas, unlike you, who jumbles everyone together in a 6x6 space in the corner once they have emerged cranky and frustrated from the line-o-hell.

3. After I emerge from the line-o-hell, given you my documentation, waited in the "holding area" in the corner, filled out your form, waited, turned in my form once you called my name, waited, took the written test, waited, paid my $25.00, and waited some more, you then inform me that instead of issuing me a license from the great state of Ohio, you can only offer me a Temporary License. Apparently, this is because my out of state license is expired by a few days. Well, no shit Sherlock! It was about to expire at the same time I was in the process of moving back to Ohio. Who in their right mind would go in and renew their license in an old state, only to have to repeat the process of getting a new license in the new state a week later? Who gives a shit if the date on my old license expired a few days ago? Does that mean all my driving skills suddenly fled my body? No, it does not.

4. I would have been happy to have taken the driving and maneuverability test right then and there, but I was not given the opportunity since the wait to get in to take the test is a freaking MONTH! Instead, I was issued the temporary license for the previously stated $25.00, only to have to come back a month later, pay another $25.00 for the actual drivers license, and take the road test. Personally, I feel that a month's wait to take the test is just a tad unreasonable, and I get the feeling that this really just about money.

5. Since having been issued my temporary license, I have been forced to beg a family member to come with me anytime I need to drive somewhere, being that it is now illegal for me to drive alone and must have a licensed driver over the age of 21 with me at all times. Like I am freaking 16 years old again.

6. (This is the one that really chaps my ass.)Pain in the ass that it is, I can almost understand your reasoning behind out-of-state drivers to take the written test once moving to Ohio. You have trust issues and just want to make sure that we know that we know the "Rules of the Road", even though they really don't differ that much from state to state. I'm having a much harder time understanding having to take the road test all over again. If I had walked into your facility 4 days earlier than I did, there would have been no issue, but you seem to be under the belief that somehow how in those 96 hours all 10 years worth of my driving experience disappeared from my pretty little head, and therefore must be tested on the road. What I do NOT understand is: You claim that the reason behind all this written and practical testing is to make sure that I am capable of operating a moving vehicle according to the laws and standards of the state of Ohio. You want to be sure I can pass YOUR test, since apparently no other state's testing requirements are as good at yours. Great, fine, just dandy. Well, if you would just trot yourself on over to your to your little license database there, you would easily be able to learn that I took your fucking test already! I have held an Ohio license before! I took Driver's Education in this state, put in my 50 hours of accompanied driving time, held a temporary permit, taken your written test AND your driving test, and PASSED! All I did was simply move to another state for awhile, so your reasoning does not exactly hold water in my court. This has all been a giant waste of my time and money, for absolutely NO reason.

Sincerely Fuck You,
Miss Contemptuous


  1. Wow! Remind me to never move to Ohio. Jesus... that totally blows! Your list is 100% justified. I think you should send it to them anonymously!

  2. Watch out for your blood pressure rising, dear.
    I laughed all the way through your post!

  3. as a fellow-ohioian who initially got licensed here, moved to georgia for 5 years where i could literally get my license renewed at kroger, and moved back and went through the EXACT same thing as you EIGHT years ago (so obviously they have changed nothing in at least nearly a decade) . . . let me say fucking amen!!!

  4. I swear to dog, I would have punched someone.