Wordless Weekend #1

Dear Ohio BMV:

Fuck you. Fuck you for wasting my time and money, as well as causing me undue stress and anxiety. I really should leave it at that, but since I'm in such a giving mood, please allow me to elaborate so that you may get your heads out of your asses and correct your policies pertaining to out-of-state drivers licenses.

1. The fact that I even had to take your written driving test whilst trying to obtain an Ohio drivers license is bullshit. When I moved from this Nazi state eight years ago and walked into another state's DMV, all I had to do to get their license was hand over my Ohio license and take a new picture. No test, no vision screening, nothing. They trusted that other states would not issue a licence to an un-fit driver. Apparently, you have trust issues.

2. Regardless, I went and took your damn written test. And passed. With flying colors. Despite the fact that I almost fainted waiting in your line-o-hell, surrounded by a hundred other people who either: a.)In the wrong line (because nothing was clearly marked), b.) Did not have the proper documentation with them, only to be sent home, retrieve said information, then return to the line-o-hell to wait another hour before being helped. I understand that you may believe that this is standard procedure for a BMV/DMV, but I wish to inform you that this is no longer the case. The last state I lived in has streamlined this process, and never have I, or anyone else I know, had to spend more than 20 minutes within their facility. There are staff members at the door to check documentation BEFORE the customers get in line, to prevent the aforementioned waiting in the line-o-hell un-needlessly. They also have clearly marked waiting areas, unlike you, who jumbles everyone together in a 6x6 space in the corner once they have emerged cranky and frustrated from the line-o-hell.

3. After I emerge from the line-o-hell, given you my documentation, waited in the "holding area" in the corner, filled out your form, waited, turned in my form once you called my name, waited, took the written test, waited, paid my $25.00, and waited some more, you then inform me that instead of issuing me a license from the great state of Ohio, you can only offer me a Temporary License. Apparently, this is because my out of state license is expired by a few days. Well, no shit Sherlock! It was about to expire at the same time I was in the process of moving back to Ohio. Who in their right mind would go in and renew their license in an old state, only to have to repeat the process of getting a new license in the new state a week later? Who gives a shit if the date on my old license expired a few days ago? Does that mean all my driving skills suddenly fled my body? No, it does not.

4. I would have been happy to have taken the driving and maneuverability test right then and there, but I was not given the opportunity since the wait to get in to take the test is a freaking MONTH! Instead, I was issued the temporary license for the previously stated $25.00, only to have to come back a month later, pay another $25.00 for the actual drivers license, and take the road test. Personally, I feel that a month's wait to take the test is just a tad unreasonable, and I get the feeling that this really just about money.

5. Since having been issued my temporary license, I have been forced to beg a family member to come with me anytime I need to drive somewhere, being that it is now illegal for me to drive alone and must have a licensed driver over the age of 21 with me at all times. Like I am freaking 16 years old again.

6. (This is the one that really chaps my ass.)Pain in the ass that it is, I can almost understand your reasoning behind out-of-state drivers to take the written test once moving to Ohio. You have trust issues and just want to make sure that we know that we know the "Rules of the Road", even though they really don't differ that much from state to state. I'm having a much harder time understanding having to take the road test all over again. If I had walked into your facility 4 days earlier than I did, there would have been no issue, but you seem to be under the belief that somehow how in those 96 hours all 10 years worth of my driving experience disappeared from my pretty little head, and therefore must be tested on the road. What I do NOT understand is: You claim that the reason behind all this written and practical testing is to make sure that I am capable of operating a moving vehicle according to the laws and standards of the state of Ohio. You want to be sure I can pass YOUR test, since apparently no other state's testing requirements are as good at yours. Great, fine, just dandy. Well, if you would just trot yourself on over to your to your little license database there, you would easily be able to learn that I took your fucking test already! I have held an Ohio license before! I took Driver's Education in this state, put in my 50 hours of accompanied driving time, held a temporary permit, taken your written test AND your driving test, and PASSED! All I did was simply move to another state for awhile, so your reasoning does not exactly hold water in my court. This has all been a giant waste of my time and money, for absolutely NO reason.

Sincerely Fuck You,
Miss Contemptuous

I Am Sick And Tired...

...of being sick and tired. I've caught the cold that is being passed around this house and with the exception of faking a happy face at a job interview yesterday, I feel like I'm going to die. Please understand my pause in blogging.

Kill.Me.Now.(Please!)

I'm sorry for not having written any posts this past week, but I was taking a "mental health vacation". I have spent sooo much time on the Internet job hunting lately that thought of sitting down to write a blog post made me shudder. I am SO sick of job hunting.

I have been working since the age of 14 (where I danced in an outdoor musical show for kids at a Halloween hayride place, along side costumed characters such as Barney), and I don't ever recall job hunting being this difficult. It used to be, you looked through the want ads, found something you were interested in, applied, and hoped for the best. Nowadays, it seems like 50% or more of the ads that I respond to are crap. By crap, I mean they appeared to be a legit ad, with full description of what the job entails, basic requirements, etc., and the instant I send them my resumé, I get an automated email in my inbox disclosing what they really are. Usually, it's an envelope stuffing company (where you will receive $12.00 for every envelope stuffed with their materials!), or a based-on-commission, door-to-door knife selling company that wants me to start by selling to my friends and family.

This is FRUSTRATING. I'm no dummy. I normally know how to spot these ads, and I think that's the problem. These scam companies have caught on to the fact that the gig is up, so they now post "fake" ads that in no way reflect what the job really is, sneakily getting you to apply. This has resulted in a HUGE waste of my time, a ton of spam, and a lot more grey hairs on my head. The scammers are everywhere, too. From Craigslist, to the small local paper here in town, to the large Cleveland papers. Even signs on local business are false.

My mother went to the local butcher shop for some ribs, and told me that they had a sign outside advertising that they needed "deli help". This seemed totally legit since local high school students work there and this place has been a landmark business in my my town for over 100 years. But of course, when I go down there, the job is crap. They are actually looking for a butcher. Well, if you want a BUTCHER, put that on the sign"! "Deli Help" sounds to me like you want someone to work behind the counter, weighing and wrapping up the meat and filling orders for party trays, not cutting up cows in the back! Uggggggggh!

I Would Like To Thank The Academy...

I just wanted to pop in and thank ClaireMontgomeryMD for giving my first blog award ever! It truly means a lot to me, and encourages me to continue ranting writing about all the things that piss me off! Here's to all the other Honest Scraps out there!

Racist Sheep

OK, this story took place back in 2005, but I am posting it now because I feel it is a perfect example of some of the dumb asses who live in this country, and how I got revenge on one of them.

I used to work in a large medical clinic as a Medical Office Assistant. My job was to room the patients when they come in to see the doctor, take their vitals, get the room set up for the doctor, etc.

This particular day I had a lady come in (white lady I will add, which will grow more apparent soon) who just as I was about to take her blood pressure noticed a business card that had been left on the desk the previous day by an Indian resident doctor. The lady froze when she saw the card and asked in a panic "What doctor am I seeing today?!"

I assured her that she was seeing her own doctor, and that the card was leftover from the day before. She replied "Good! I don't want to see no foreign doctor. Do you know how hard it is to find a white doctor these days? The first two I had retired, and now it seems like the only ones left are all Indians or something. I am just so sick and tired of them coming here to get their education, then staying and taking the Americans' money and sending it back to whatever third world country they came from."

By this point I am in shock, and am trying to decide if I can stay in the room without going off on this woman or if I should just walk out. She then looks at my name tag and says "(Insert my real name here)?" That's a pretty name. Where is it from, I have never heard it before."

I coolly look up at her and say "It's Indian." (My name really is Indian, and actually stems back to the now-dead language Sanskrit, as well as modern day Hindi.)

This woman actually gulps and asks "Indian-Indian, or 'Native-American-Indian'?" I replied "Indian as in from India".

This woman is now looking me up and down, checking out my dark hair yet light eyes and skin. She decides I am at least part Indian, because she continues with "Is your family over there OK? Were they hurt by the disaster?"

I ask her "'Over there' where?"

She says "India, or...Afghanistan?".

Liking the the power I now had over this woman's psyche, I simply replied "My family is fine, thank you."

By this point this woman had already made her assumptions and I wasn't going to correct her. She spent all that time bashing foreign people, and now she thinks I am one and the whole thing is a classic case of "open-mouth-insert-foot." I cranked up the blood pressure cuff more than necessary, which is rather painful, finished my job and left the room. This woman was a racist (and un-educated) bitch. She probably thought I went and put a Jihad on her, which is fine by me.

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

In honor of my new blog, I've decided to do my first mini-meme. Before you all start groaning and/or running for the hills, this meme is about all the things that make us feel sexy. Does that help at all? These can be body parts, things you do, or whatever strikes your fancy. Anyone can join in, but I will be tagging the readers currently following me. Now for the fun part- here are some of the things that make me feel sexy...

Painting my nails red...

My alabaster skin...

My collarbone...

Sleeping naked...

Conversations with my ex where he tells me that his wife has gotten fat, and that he finds me more sexually attractive than her. This also makes me feel like laughing in his face, considering he broke up with me to get back together with her. Sucka!

I am tagging:
Ms. Salti
Mysterg
Mr. Condescending
Nanc Twop
The Peach Tart
Phuong Thuy (sorry, I don't have a link to add to this one)

OK all you sexy bloggers, get crackin'!

You're Special! Yea!

This is it. This is my first post where I get to speak my piece on a controversial subject and actually give my TRUE opinion. I'm a little nervous, so here goes. Deep breath.

If you weren't already tipped off by the picture, I'll start by saying that today's topic is special needs kids. And by special needs, I don't mean Little Johnny who is a tad hyperactive, or Sweet Suzie with the stutter. I'm talking full-fledged, helmet sportin', diaper wearing, wheelchair-cruisn' kids. More specifically, the parents of these kids.

Let me paint you a little picture: Small town couple have no children of their own, so they decide to adopt. Sweet right? Wait, it gets even better. They adopt multiple kids. Handicapped kids. From foreign countries. These were the kids that were thrown away by their birth parents and found in dumpsters. Literally. In all, this couple adopts somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 kids, and all but one or two have some sort of physical or mental handicap, if not both. I guess once they got one kid, they felt the need to collect the whole set...

So far this story seems right out of the pages of a storybook, doesn't it? Or at least a feel-good human interest piece aired locally on a slow news day? Ah, but this is where the story takes a nasty little turn, and my contemptuous claws come out.

Everything thing is fine and dandy until this couple (whom we shall now refer to as "The Saints") have to enroll these kids in school. Aw, the first day of school. How exciting! It's a time to remember, full of backpacks and cartoon lunchboxes, crayons and milk money. At least, for normal kids it is. Remember, these kids are severely handicapped and can't even feed themselves, let alone color inside the lines. One would think that The Saints would send their precious little droolers to the near-by school designed to accommodate their special little angels. But noooo. Instead, they opt to forgo said specialized school and it's free transportation with wheelchair-accessible buses, specially trained teachers, and buildings designed to accommodate children who can't even take a dump in a toilet. No, instead they decide it's a good idea send their kids to the local, small-town public school, which, by law, has to accommodate them. All because they want their kids to feel as "normal" as possible.

This means that every time one of the Saint children (who all have very different "needs" to be met) goes through one of the three school buildings within the district, the school board has to remodel and install equipment designed to assist with whatever said-child's disabilities are. We are talking about wheelchair ramps and specialized play ground equipment. Handicapped accessible buses. Speaker systems with microphones clipped on to teachers' shirts so the kid can hear the lessons better. Bringing in aides and tutors for each of the children. We are talking $30,000 to remodel a high school bathroom so that one stall is large enough to change an adult diaper inside. I could go on and on. Get the picture? And the school system has to figure out a way to pay for all of this.

The Saints are single-handily putting the small-town school district into financial ruin. This school district has a hard enough time passing levies as it is. This is due to all the rich ass retirees and private school snobs moving into this "quaint" little town to get away from the city. They then turn around and vote "no" on new taxes designed to keep the schools running, because they don't feel the need since "we don't have kids that go there". (This is subject matter for a whole 'nother post.) Now the school board is faced with the daunting task of making required accommodations for the Saint children, as demanded by their parents, all whilst trying to keep the schools afloat with the same measly ass budget they've always had.

In addition, the Saint children aren't even required to follow the same curriculum as the rest of the student body. Instead, with the assistance of their tax-dollar purchased teachers aides and tutors, they have their own "special" curriculum designed especially for them. Basically, if the kid can learn to wipe their own ass by Senior year, they can graduate. Man, I wish I had had that set of standards set forth by my teachers. I'd be a Harvard alum by now!

But, like I said, they have to do it, by law. Now, I've always considered myself a liberal and erred on the side of equality for all, but come on! Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? Let's recap: Severely handicapped children are being entered into a public school system that financially can't afford to meet their needs, all while there is a perfectly good special education school 10 miles down the road, fuckin' designed to educate these kinds of kids! I'm not saying the laws should be changed so that the school system has the legal right to turn them away and deny them an education. What I am implying here that these dumb ass do-gooder parents need to get some common sense and send their kids to the school equipped to handle them and not the financially-burdened-as-it-is public school, turning it into a quickly sinking ship!

If the public school has to keep shelling out that kind of money, it is a certainty that the school district will end up closing down all together, and it's 1200 other students will all have to be annexed into other districts and bused to other towns to receive their rightful education. Since when is it OK for so many to suffer for so few?

If you ask me, The Saints are downright SELFISH. They choose to adopt handicapped children from poverty-stricken nations. Bravo for them, a round of applause, please. Now if only they could get their heads out of their asses and realize that they have a state of the art school just around the corner that was built for children like their own, a luxury that most parents in their situation don't have. And yet they refuse to utilize it, just so their kids can be "normal". Let me tell you something. Those kids ain't ever gonna be normal. Deal with it. Carlos Mencia said it best: "If you have err kids, send them to an err school!"

I would like to add that I am not just giving an editorial review on some story I heard on the news. I went to school with some of these kids. Now, 8 years after I graduated, these kids are still in the same public school system I attended, still draining it of it's money. I also am related to a member of the school board, which is where I received my information on just what exactly it is they are having to shell out for these kids. I have seen both sides of the situation, and this is my opinion.

P.S. If you liked this post, please recommend it to your friends. I'm trying to get this new blog up and running!

My Night With Mr. Condescending and Friends

First I would like to mention that, even though Mr. C invited somewhere in the neighborhood of 40+ other bloggers to partake in his Will You Be My Guest assignment, I was not one of them. Thanks for that Mr. C... No matter! I am audacious enough to invite myself and crash the party. Where shall I begin?

Perhaps the fact that I am currently out of work and no longer have a home of my own should be my starting point. Hmmm. That's a bit of a pickle! Quite. The. Pickle... I suppose I will have to make some of this crap up as I go along! First let me show you where I would like to be living:



Nice isn't it? This is actually a house I used to drive by on my way to school. It's on the grander side of what I hope to live in someday, but since this part of the post is my fantasy, I figured it works rather well. Please excuse the terrible picture. It is a picture of a picture. It's late, and I'm too lazy to scan.

Now, as for pictures of my favorite books and DVDs, well, mine are currently in storage... Thank you Google Image! These would be my favorite classic movies, along with some biopics about classic stars:










When it comes to books, I tend to like revenge tell-alls, especially if they have to do with a line of work I have been in. I also favor celebrity autobiographies that give a behind the scenes look of my favorite movies and television shows:








Phew! That was a lot of work finding all those images. Am I done? Oh , I still need to feed you guys and get'cha all liquored up. A hostess's work is never done...

For dinner I will be serving crepes, with your choice of two fillings- you can either have lemon juice and sugar, or my family's concoction of cottage cheese with vanilla, sugar, and raisins. (Don't knock it till you've tried it!) We have been eating these crepes since my grandmother brought the filling recipe over from England in the 1940's.



The batter recipe that I use comes from this cook book:



It's an oldie, but a goodie! Since we are supposed to share TWO of our favorite cookbooks, I'll throw this one in for good measure:



Don't laugh at me! If any of you get so plastered you need to spend the night, I will make you some German Apple Pancakes in the morning! Speaking of alcohol, we have a few options: you can either have the Blackberry wine from Oliver Winery in Bloomington, Indiana, or the Plum wine from the Brown County Winery, also in southern Indiana. Both delicious and appropriate with my dessert-y crepes, as they are a semi-sweet and a sweet, respectively. Or better yet, I can mix the plum wine with
some sake, and make ya’ll some Plum Blossoms:



Mmmm. Plum Blossoms. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling inside...

I think that about covers my partially real, partially fictionalized tour. I hope you enjoyed your stay, and if not, don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!

Gimme Some L'Amour!

What can I say about Michelle L'Amour? Yummy. I love this gal. Somehow, I came across a YouTube video of her appearance on the television show America's Got Talent, and I was in love. In a heterosexual girl-crush kind of way. Though, if the opportunity arose, I most certainly would not kick her out of bed either... Allow me to give you the pleasurable experience I had of watching the aforementioned video:



How delicious was that!? She really has mastered the art of burlesque. The art of burlesque, by the way, is more about the tease than it is about the actual stripping. And boy can she tease! The fact that she chose to do her Snow White routine was just the icing on the cake for me. (That same routine won her the title of Miss Exotic World 2005.)

Something else I love about her is the fact she does not have today's standard of a "hot" female body. She has hips. She has small boobs. She has very pale skin. Not exactly the Fake-and-Bake-Barbie look that seems to be all the rage these days. You know what else? She looks like me! Seeing those male judges practically wet themselves over her made me feel really good about myself, because my naked body is practically identical her hers. And to think that for the longest time I considered myself unattractive because I had hips and smaller breasts. I guess it's not what you have, but how you use it!

On a side note- who the hell does Brandy Norwood think she is acting all high and mighty, calling Michelle a tramp on national television? If memory serves, is was Brandy who was involved with producer Robert Smith and hid the relationship until she got knocked up. They then claimed to be married, but it turned out to all be a ruse to protect her image. Yeah, sounds like she's little Miss Innocent...

Another video, because who doesn't enjoy watching women twirl pasties on their nipples? You can also see Michelle's signature "The Ass That Goes POW!" move:



For more information about this sweet vixen, check out her web page here.

The Mistake On The Lake

I am a Cleveland girl. I realize most of you just thought
"I'm sorry". Thank you. As a Clevelander, one must learn how to poke fun at oneself, as well as develop a thick skin when others are doing the fun-poking for you. This guy has mastered the first requirement.





He's not just limited to Cleveland either. In this next video, he takes on half the state of Ohio!



Love it! The first two videos actually stirred up some trouble for the actual Cleveland Board of Tourism, called Positively Cleveland. Other cities started putting up the videos on their own tourism sites as reasons to visit them instead of Cleveland. Positively Cleveland is now scrambling around putting a contest together, trying to get people to make similar videos but in a more positive light. Yeah, good luck with that...

When Good Girls Go Bad, They Go Very, Very Bad...

I started blogging a year ago, and like a sap I added my real name and photo to the profile. And like and even bigger sap, I gave the URL to friends and family. This has come back to bite me in the ass. Friends and family can behave like complete morons sometimes, and that can make for really great blog fodder. Unfortunately, I have to live with these people and writing about anything they deem embarrassing would make my life a living hell.

I also never expected to acquire the type of readership I have; for some reason Christian bloggers really seem to like me, even though I am not a Christian nor do I blog about anything Christian-esque. I appreciate their dedication to my writing, but in my efforts to not offend anyone, I am continuously censoring myself. I am afraid to swear, write about off-color topics, or even give my true opinion on certain subjects. This.Is.Frustrating. But what's a good girl to do? Start a secret blog...

I need this secret blog where nobody knows me, so I can rant and swear to my little heart's content. I need it for my sanity. I need it for my soul. I need to let my inner bad girl come out to play once in a while, or I shall go mad. Muwhahaha.